What Forgiveness IS

• Acknowledging the hurt – The fact that you were hurt is where forgiveness begins. It must begin there.  Denying that you hurt will undermine everything.  It all begins with accepting that you were hurt.
• Keeping your eyes open – You are aware of the hurt, yet you are still willing to forgive. You see the pain for what it is, you know who did it, and you are honest with yourself.  Your eyes are wide open.  No pretending or playing games.  And with what you see, you are willing to forgive and move on.
• Showing mercy – Mercy is the last thing that people who hurt you expect to receive. But if you have chosen to forgive, then mercy should be what they see and hear.  Retaliation is what they deserve, but mercy is the fruit of forgiveness.
• Keeping no record of wrongs – Though you might not forget a hurt for a very long time after you have extended forgiveness, to forgive is to purposefully keep no record of wrongs. It is like you bury the list and choose not to dig it up. A spouse or neighbor who is quick to bring up past failures has not forgiven at all.
• Living free from bitterness – People who always talk about the very day and the hour that they were hurt are usually full of bitterness. They literally “live” back in that moment, even if it was 50 years ago. Forgiveness is living free from bitterness.
• Taking responsibility – The people you forgive are the ones responsible for the hurt they caused you. You are not responsible for their actions.  Let them take their responsibility and you take yours.  You are responsible for your own life, so choose the freedom, peace, and hope that you want.  That is taking responsibility.
• Being honest about reality – To forgive is to honestly evaluate your situation and your options. You might be reconciled with the person who hurt you, and you might not.  Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not because it always takes two people for a relationship to be restored.  Begin with forgiveness, and then be honest about reality.  If restoration occurs, great, but if not, you have already forgiven.
• An attitude – Forgiveness really begins with a choice you make. This choice permeates your mind to the point where it is reflected in your attitude.  You think forgiveness and you act forgiveness.  It comes out of you because it is what you see, it is what you think, and it is what you believe.
• A lifestyle – When forgiveness becomes a habit, it has become a lifestyle. This is a wonderful place to be.  You don’t have to weigh each situation and consciously decide if you are going to forgive this time or not.  Instead, you move from hurt to healing because it is what you do.  It is how you choose to live your life.

What Forgiveness is NOT

• Approval – Never is forgiveness a simple act of approval. That is nothing less than denial, blindness, and ignorance.  To approve is to willfully accept.  If you don’t want your hurt to be repeated- on you or on others- then do NOT approve of it.  Approval is acceptance.  Forgiveness is not.
• Forgetting – Those who forgive usually forget over time, but purposefully forgetting a hurt is little more than suppressing your emotions. Author D. Patrick Miller states, “Trying to forget is just another means of denial.”  This, as you know, is no way to go about living life.  Sooner or later, what you have been suppressing for years will come back to haunt you.
• Justifying – Sure, there are a million possible reasons why people might have hurt you, but that does nothing to lessen the hurt they caused you. Knowing what happened is a fact.  It might help you understand people and their actions, but facts are not forgiveness.  Always get the facts, but never allow facts to justify someone’s actions.
• An obligation – Nobody can force you to forgive. Forgiveness is always a choice.  Yes, it is highly recommended, good for you health, etc., but it always starts with you making a conscious decision to forgive, after you have worked through the hurt and pain,  If you “forgive” out of obligation, then there is no reason to work through an issue, to be honest, or to think.  To forgive out of obligation is not forgiveness at all.
• Giving in – Those who have been hurt often find themselves in similar, if not exactly the same, situations. It happened once and it will happen again if you allow it to.  Forgiveness is not giving in.  You have the right to refuse further hurt, pain, and abuse.  If you give in, you are excusing, pardoning, and accepting more of the same.  You do not need to stay with people who hurt you.  The end result of allowing greater hurt will never produce anything good.
• Reconciliation (restoration) – If reconciliation comes after you forgive, then great, but it is not a prerequisite for forgiveness. Always remember that forgiveness comes before reconciliation.  It takes two willing people to make reconciliation possible.  The son who forgives his dead father can experience the benefits of forgiveness, but the father-son relationship cannot be reconciled or restored.  Forgiveness is complete by itself.  Reconciliation is awesome, but it is entirely separate from forgiveness.
• Re-hiring – Just as you are under no obligation to forgive, so you are under no obligation to re-hire the person who hurt you or someone who you know. With the abusive boyfriend, the questionable babysitter, and the cheating employee, you have to use your head.  Get wise counsel from others, but there are certain situations that you should never repeat.  To forgive is to use your heart and your head.
• Trust – Forgiveness shows love, strength, and kindness. It means you have honestly come to terms with both the person and what was done to you.  But forgiveness does not mean that you trust the person as you did before.  To do so would be naïve.  Trust that is destroyed must be rebuilt, brick by brick.  In time, the individual might earn your trust, but it must be earned.  Forgiveness has little to do with trust.
• Getting Even – Try as you might, you will never get even with someone who hurt you. Some think that they will feel complete or whole when there is justice, but forgiveness is not based on outside circumstances. All the justice in the world cannot make you forgive.  It always begins as an internal choice. Getting even is the impossible dream of those who will not forgive.

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